With or Without Miracle

As I was lying in bed in that examination room, the TV monitor was slightly facing me and what I saw scared me. There was a very black marble like object that I saw on the screen and a few other smaller ones. My imagination went so very far that it scared me all the more. What if it was a lump? What if it was cancerous? What if? And many “what ifs”.

It was my first sonomammogram and I did know it included an ultrasound test. I had the test just to maximize the health insurance given by the company I am employed and grab the chance that I am assigned at the place where test like those are available. Yes, even if I am not yet at the advisable age to have that mammogram. I only knew that from the wondering laboratory assistant. But nowadays, i could not be sure especially that my father also died in cancer. And the test are free!

“So what if you have cancer, Bea?” I asked myself. “So what if I had cancer Lord?” I asked my Boss.

Of course I didn’t get answers right away. I wish I didn’t have that test. I wouldn’t have been bothered like this. I remember some people say that when a person knows he is dying, he will die sooner. But those that doesn’t, live longer. See? Cancer is Psychological. They say if you have breast cancer, you have deep resentment. I started to think if I have one, but I couldn’t remember any. I don’t keep grudges. I easily forgive.

But it wasn’t confirmed yet! I have to get the official result in three days and have my doctor see it. But there I was, fussing so much about it.

I was leisurely walking at the mall after office that day and found out that a prayer meeting was scheduled that night at the chapel. I was excited. It’s been a long time since I have attended a charismatic prayer meeting. There I met my awesome God again in person. My tears were falling and I couldn’t stop it since the warm up song started up to the last worship song in the entire prayer. God answered the question that I asked Him earlier. Yes indeed! Who cares if I had cancer! This is no longer my own life I am living. I’ve already lost my own a very long time ago and this is His. So He will do whatever He pleases with this life. Whatever His plans are, it’s no longer my business. One thing would make me sad though. It’s the thought of my mother being hurt again. She has already lost a husband and now her beautiful daughter. I remember my prayer before about death. I prayed that if I would die, I die after my mother because I can’t bear to see her lose heart again. I prayed that one prayer again, to postpone my death instead because of my mother not because I wanted to. Gee…!! Can’t wait to see myself singing with the choirs of angels in heaven! (My childhood spiritual dream.) Well, God knows best. I went out of that prayer meeting feeling light and happy and trusting God knows what’s He’s doing.

After three days of my test, I also had an ultra sound test of my whole abdomen. Because of Frank, (a typhoon that caused flash flood that reached 10ft) it was only after two weeks that I became available to get the official tests I had from the hospital and see my doctor.

I have read the result before I reach my doctor’s clinic. It showed I had two benign cyst! I learned later that it were so small and might naturally vanish over time. I Thank God! I excitedly went to my doctor to confirm I have no cancer.

Contrary to what I expected, my doctor quite panicked when she started reading my laboratory test results. I realize she was not looking at my sonomammogram result but to my abdomen test result. She immediately called her assistant to schedule me for another ultrasound test. The result showed a normal size retroverted uterus, and right ovary but with a 5.6 x 4.7 cystic lession in my left ovary. She can’t seem to wait to see how it was at that moment since I had the test two weeks ago already. She was worried but I was just there innocently seated in front of her without knowing what was happening to me. I could even smile but I hesitated. When I asked how big it was, she took a ruler and showed me. I wasn’t really disturbed by it. I had no idea how harmful it was that time.

To my mind, I was yet rejoicing. I had no breast cancer!

Oh yes! But not to the other part of my body. I was wondering how did I get it. Well, I thought , this happens to people whose reproductive systems are not in use. (laugh!) In fact, I would usually hear something like this from women of my age. This is why I was eager to have this test in the first place.

What really scared me was the thought of going under the knife again. Not really financially (Thank God!) because I have my medical insurance. I had been to it seven years ago and I don’t want to go over it again. I thought my mother was saved from worry, but not yet. I didn’t tell my family except my midwife cousin. She told me not to be scared and just finish my test.

The next day I had my follow up test and it was found out that I had no cyst! Yes! After two weeks, the cyst vanished. The doctor can’t seem to believe it. Even me. To convince herself, she had me have the test again the following month and no doubt I have no cyst!

As I always do, I rationalize again. Maybe the doctor who made the test was wrong. He saw different things. Maybe because I had my monthly period the day that test was made. Maybe my ovary expands when I have my period. But when I had my abdomen test, I wasn’t told I must not have my period during the test. Gosh..! I even questioned the credibility of the doctor that made the test on me. Well, just to prove to myself that no miracle really happened. Yes! There was no big miracle.

I don’t know when will I ever stop behaving like this sometimes. Just can’t really help it. To think that everyday of my life is already a miracle. I wake everyday breathing. Hey! I was very ugly when I was a baby. Mother didn’t even say I was beautiful. But look at me now! (LoL!)

Whatever have happened, miracle or not, for me it’s a very big blessing. I may not have felt anything bad about myself physically, but I know I need healing and He continually show it to me and heals me every time.

In all things that He allows to happen, He has His own purpose. It could be to me, to my family or to other people around me. It could be now or for the future. He is my God. He holds my life.

For me it was God’s way of testing my faith and how much and to what extent will I am going be loyal and trusting Him.

Indeed it was just one of those days……… when I have to learn more and be blessed at the same time.

With or without miracle!

Vault Combination

“Four times right at sixty, three times left at seventy and two times right again at twenty.”

I was starting to loose my patient as I was turning back and forth, for the fourth time, the knob of the heavy metallic door in front of me. I was already conscious with some persons behind me asking how I was doing. I just can’t hit the mark. After a little prayer and a lot more patient turning, finally I was able to hit it and we were able open it. My superior assigned me as her new vault co-custodian a few days ago. We open three doors like this everyday and somehow she has become a lot more patient since she seemed to have gotten used with my troubles in my combinations. I thought I was turning and hitting it right. One time I was even had to ask help from the previous co-custodian because banking hours is already starting and we could not yet open the vault. Sometimes I was tempted to ask my superior to replace me instead. But I know I should not. I was the only one left that hasn’t had the position for a long time. I just have to learn the techniques on how to turn the knob well to open it.

 

I behave like this with God. Sometimes I get lost and find myself away from His presence because I always forget the combination I had made to be able to open the vault of His blessings everyday. I would find myself already cramming because I couldn’t seem to get into Him no matter how I try. Just to find in the end that I am not using the right combination. I become focused on my self and worldly cares and forget about His existence. I am not doing the basic things that I need to do in order to restore my relationship with Him. Like missing my prayer time, scripture reading, daily and weekly Mass, adoring Him at the PEA, being lazy and refusing to serve Him and others around me, enjoying and contributing green jokes, making unkind remarks and deeds and etc. Most of all, not going to confession every time I commit sin. I know these things must be done in combination with the other actions in order for me to hit the mark and open the vault where I could find the blessings I need from Him everyday. The strength that I need when storms comes.

Same thing is true with the relationship I have with my friends. Sometimes I feel like we are not friends anymore or not close enough like we used to. I realize that I have stopped reaching out to them. I have become so stingy in texting them back when they send their greetings. I was also lazy communicating sometimes. I even refused to ask for their help. Sometimes I forget things about them. I forget the trivial promises I made to them. 

This also goes with our body. We need the right combination of fruits and vegetables and right kind of exercise to make our body fit. Eating the right food everyday only is not enough but with exercise as well. We also need to have a great amount of patient. 

Valuable things are kept inside a vault. It could be money, jewelries, pertinent papers and anything that is of value to the owner. Combinations are needed to open it which is to the knowledge of only a few persons. God’s vault is different. The combination is open to all. It is published and advertised, in the internet, in the radio, newspapers, in the market and everywhere. Treasures are even revealed to lure people in getting the right combination. But unfortunately most people doesn’t seem to care. They are not interested. Some thinks their treasures are more valuable than what is inside God’s vault. There are also some that are coward and thinks they could not memorize the combination. They think they could not make the proper turns and hit the mark. Some doesn’t even try. They are afraid to take the risk. Some just doesn’t have the opportunity and to the unfortunate, they just don’t know about the good news.

But it is a whole lot different with God. Unlike the real vault that we really have to find the mark and hit it, God moves himself and show us where the mark is. He wants us to hit it every time. He wants to give us all the things He has in His vault. But still we fail because we make the wrong combination no matter how many times it was revealed to us. We have lots of reasons why we fail like being lazy and careless, not paying attention, not making it our priority, deciding to wait when they grow old or when they will have their own family and many others. We sometimes feel like He is away, but the truth is, we were the one who went away from Him. God doesn’t run away from us, rather He pushes Himself to us. He loves us so much that He desperately wants to enter into the door of our hearts. However, there is no door knob, it is inside us. We are the only one who could turn that knob so He could come in.

So, if today we hear His voice, let us hurriedly come and open the door of our hearts. As we open our hearts, we also open the vault of His tremendous blessings that He desperately want to give us all and enjoy.

Now that you know, please…. open the vault!