BeerInCan

I was sorting out some stuffs inside my refrigerator to make room for my newly bought food supply when I noticed this canned beer. A friend offered this to me ten months ago. I don’t drink beer so I just kept it. Suddenly I remembered it is expiring. When I looked at the bottom it has today as the expiration date.

The story of Abraham and Sarah have been my inspiration while waiting for God’s answer to my prayers for a lifetime partner. Like them, I’ve been really hopeless sometimes. Tempted to do things myself. Wondering if it is really God’s will for me to have a family. Then one day this guy came back into my life. We already knew each other three years back when we met again online on Christmas eve. I thought he’s married already. We just stopped communicating then. Now the rest is history. One day I shared about the beer and he said he liked it. However it is expensive in their place. So I jokingly told him I will keep it for him. To myself I prayed that he would come before the beer’s expiration date. But today, I haven’t even have an inkling if he would ever come to see me personally. I don’t want to open up the subject. I want the desire to come from him. He has already spent on trying ways for us to personally meet but fate seems unkind to us.

And so Hagar gave birth to Ishmael.

This is the one thing that Abraham and Sarah did that I don’t want to do. God promised them to be the parents of all nations. But they got tired of waiting. They took it upon themselves to fulfill God’s promise. Even if God didn’t tell me personally the promise for my prayers. I don’t want to get tired of waiting. No matter how hard it will be. Best things are worth waiting for.

After realizing their mistakes, Abraham and Sarah waited again and trusted God’s promise. Like them, the Lord has thought me a lot of things already. I am willing to continue until, for me, walking by faith and not by sight will become as natural as breathing.

I don’t want to intervene on His plan of a good life for me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows when I would be ready. I knew, whatever kind of life I will lead, I can still find happiness in it as long as I continue to make Him my God.

I believe that surrendering my dream to Him is being happy even if I won’t have my dream.

Be happy even if I would lose the beer… *:-)

His Girl is OK

“Iniwanan ka ba, Bea?” (Did someone left you, Bea?) My friend asked me.

“Yes! My father left me.” Was my immediate reply. I was surprised with my answer.

Suddenly I felt like I hit something inside me. Everything that was bothering me for several weeks had an answer. I knew what I had to do but I just can’t do it. I want to let go and move on but it was so difficult for me to do it.

Hidden emotions began to surface. I felt like I was being transported back to where I was before. The time that I would never want to go back or even recall.

Yes!... Papa left me! Anger slowly engulfed me. I was so furious. But.. hate? I can’t hate him. I was just very very angry. I cried so much. But crying doesn’t ease the pain that I was feeling. I must say something. I must tell him what I feel. But Papa is gone. Gone forever. I was sure he could not even hear me.

Then I knew what to do. I knew where to go. I left my friend and went to the PEA. I was glad it was dark that night. Few people inside. I sat in the front pew. I felt I need to be closer so I would get God’s attention and make Him listen only to me.

As I closed my eyes, tears started to fall. I felt I wasn’t the present me. I was back to my younger self. An eight year old child again. I thought I was his girl. I thought I was special to him. I thought I was his favorite. I was great in school. I make him so happy every end of the school year. He would go up the stage, pin my ribbons or put on my medals. He was so proud of me. But how could he do this to me? I was asking God. I was like a child telling my Heavenly Father what my father did to me and I want Him to punish him. He betrayed me. He rejected me. He ignored me. I was saying sorry and he didn’t listen.

I felt rage inside me. I found myself cursing my father. I was silently shouting at him. “You’re so unfair! You didn’t tell me you were leaving. You knew you were not coming back and you didn’t tell me! I’m so angry with you!” I was crying so hard. But I felt good inside as I was saying those words. It was like something deeper was coming out. I felt every word was healing me.
Going to my senses, I was surprise. All these years I’ve been having this feeling towards my father. My child in me felt ignored when Papa can’t no longer hear my sorry. I remember I saw him grasping for breath. My mother held him in her hands. His eyeballs turning around. It scared me to get near him with his white eyes but my mother insisted. She told me to ask sorry to Papa. But how could he hear me? I doubted it. I wasn’t even sure if he saw me or was looking at me. He was saying something, calling on someone and I was sure it was not me. My mother said then that he was knocking at her chest and telling someone to open the door.

During the time that he was bedridden, my family except me was with him in my grandfather’s house. I was left at home with my Aunt. I was just fetched by my Uncle then. The child in me felt betrayed because he didn’t ask for me earlier when I could still see him well or talk to him or serve him. I was only called when he was already dying. I thought we were close. But he didn’t tell me he was leaving. That he was not coming back. It was several weeks ago when he was yet well enough to hear my goodbye when I left him. I accompanied my Aunt back at our house. Poor me. I thought he was healing and won’t really die.

It really felt so good saying those angry words to my father. My footsteps while I was walking home would go with every words that I still kept on repeating until I reached home. I knew it was not nice but I just felt good pouring out my anger. That time I felt like my father was listening to me. This time, I wasn’t feeling ignored and betrayed and left behind. I kept asking why did he do it to me. But I never got an answer. I cried myself to sleep that night.

Days passed by, finally I was able to let go and move on. Life became brighter and lighter to me. It was easier to be happy. Life for me became clearer. I knew what to do with my life. I never felt so free as I was in my whole life. It was another new life for me and I decided I will make the very best of it. I will continue to love and love even more.

This time, also, I promised myself not to miss my monthly mass for my father. Ever since I got a job, sponsoring a monthly mass for my his soul has been part of my budget. I would also offer my sacrifices for him especially when I miss him or dreamed of him. I would mention his name during my rosaries. One time I just felt I wanted to get married already. Then I dreamed it was my wedding day. He was my groom and he was angry. Well, I think he should be because in reality I didn’t have a boyfriend. These made feel close to him even if he’s gone.

It was one of my beautiful nights a few months later. In my sleep I saw my self in a small road. With me were lots of white robed men standing. They didn’t notice me. They all seemed to be heeding the highway a few footsteps away. While I was walking between them, suddenly a man turned his head and smiled at me. I was surprised. As I decided to smile back, I woke up.

I can’t seem to believe but I was sure it was my father. It was the first time in 26 years that I dreamed of him smiling. My dreams would always be his expressionless and serious faces. My first dream when I was small was that I was hugging him so tight crying out loud telling him I miss him so much. But he just silently hugged me and stared at me.

Suddenly it occurred to me. Papa didn’t really left me. All those years he was with me all along. He just couldn’t leave me yet without telling me so, especially when he wasn’t coming back. He really heard my sorry, then. But my wounded heart couldn’t hear and wouldn’t listen to his sorry. He waited for me to grow up. Boy, how he loved me so much and was crazy about me! * Indeed, I’m his girl!

This incident happened three years ago. Two weeks before my father’s death anniversary I received a text from my brother telling me he dreamed of our father. He was going somewhere and he was smiling at him.I felt very happy. I just knew where he was going. Now that his girl is ok….

Papa is going home.


This month, August, is the 28th death anniversary of my father. Let us not cease to pray for the souls especially of our loved ones. I believe that most effective prayers that they get comes from the people that loved them so much. Let us bring more souls to heaven so we would have lots of saints praying for us and especially when it would be our time to leave this earth. Who knows, we might just go directly to heaven. *

Guess Watch

“Ihaboy na lang na.” (Throw it away.)

I was taken a back. It was like an electricity run through my whole body. I trembled. I got scared. I panicked.

Our messenger told me that as he placed my original Guess watch on my table. The watch repair man said it’s unrepairable and advised him to just throw it away. No. I wasn’t feeling that way because of the thought of losing the watch. Somehow it has a sentimental value to me. A friend who works in Guam gave it to me. She just told me to replace it with a new battery to make it work. I was really grateful not for its being an expensive watch but I was touched by her thoughtfulness. The watch was one of her priced possession after working for years in Guam. She could not even let go of it even if it doesn’t work so well anymore. Anyhow, I felt her sincerity however flawless her gift was to me. I know no one would ever give me such a gift especially that kind.

But why the initial feeling?

Yes, it’s me being paranoid…. and again!

I saw myself in the watch. For several weeks I was feeling guilty. I have been into a bad habit that kept me going back to confession almost every other week. I would even think that the priest knows what I am about to confess just by looking at my face. I would sometimes pray it’s not yet my time to die ‘cause for sure I won’t even make it to purgatory.

For me that day was my judgment day. That it’s better for me to be replaced in this world. I wasn’t working good. I wasn't doing God's purpose for me anymore. I felt useless. Yes. Just like the watch. Unrepairable. I started to guess how would God do it. Maybe it will be like magic. Great! I wouldn’t feel the agony of death. Maybe I will transform into a carabao. I remember this was what my childhood friends would call me because I have no front teeth. It scared me to just think of hell. Oh my! I thought of all the hundreds ( I had hoped its million or even thousands) of souls that I prayed for in my life time. Maybe they miss me already and would ask God to just let me be with them. To thank me personally, of course.

Boy, it was such a horrible feeling to me. It’s like I haven’t really grown in the faith of God. I was still like in my grade school with my faith walk. Well, as usual, He came into my rescue. In the midst of my contemplation and accounting of my sins and grieving of all my weaknesses, I came across a video talk of a preacher one night. I was running the cursor of my computer along the video files that I downloaded from the internet. Haven’t really decided on what to watch, I just randomly clicked any of it. The topic I picked was about focus. I listened to it more than once so my unconscious self won’t forget it and thus, remind me every time.

I realized, all those times, I shifted focus. All I saw was my weaknesses,m flaws, my sins. It has grown so big already. I was harsh to myself. There are so much more good and best in me than my flaws but I loose sight of it. If I would only focus on loving myself, I would be able to outgrow my weaknesses and win over temptations, thus, avoiding sin.

God knew how sinful we are but still He loved me. Sometimes it is difficult for us to love and forgive ourselves especially when we realize we committed a grave sin. We forget about God’s love for us. He’s love that is far beyond our sins. He overcame it for us centuries ago. Long before we were born.

Ahh…! … when would I ever learn?...

That I have to take responsibility and not Guess and Watch what would happen to me .

Most of all, to never loose sight of God’s love and trust in His great mercy.

Love For Myself

This is the first time that I write directly to my blog... also my first blog for the year 2009.

I just want to share one memorable incident that happened to me at work today.

I incurred a shortage. After rewinding the camera, i found out that there was a short of deposit from a certain client which at this moment I am still waiting for the morning to be able to contact her.

While fixing my working area (teller's cage), what my officemate commented on me made me realize something. He said, "Alam mo Ma'm Bey, ang mukha mo parang wala lang nagyari sa 'yo. Di makikita sa mukha mo na ang laki ng problema mo." (You know, Ma'm Bey, your face doesnt show you are troubled by your big problem.)

That statement caught me by surprise. It really made my heart lift and I smiled and said right away.

"Because I love myself! Minahal nga ako ni Lord kahit na ganito ako. Kaya dapat lang na mahalin ko ang sarili ko kahit na ano pang kamalian ang ginawa ko. Ako nga mahal niyo di ba? (God loves me like who I am. It is just right that I love myself whatever mistake that I did. Even all of you love me, isn't it?)

I dont know, but I found it in my heart. It's like, it was already there and waiting to be exposed.

Yea! It was God that taught me that! His love...

I had a lot of mistakes in the past and a most of the time I would say bad things to myself. I have no patient with myself. I would blame myself every time, for being this and being that....(don't want to say those words again...) It was difficult to forgive myself even on trivial mistakes.

But now, I learned to be kind to myself.... think that which is good to myself... for by doing so, I believe I am able to love others better. Positively influence them.

God has blessed me so much and will bless me more... even more than my shortage and I think that what God would want me to do now is to just.... love myself....