Literally, it has become really brand new again. Yes, without my personal files! The hard drive was diffective and they had to reformat it. I refused to think or recall what I have stored on it before because I am afraid I might lose my heart. (Joke!) In a way, I have prepared myself for this kind of worst thing that might happen before I surrendered it to the supplier for fixing. But I was also desperately praying that my files will be spared. I realized I only made myself ready to let go of my laptop and not my files.
I remember I had made it a habit that before I buy a certain thing, especially the expensive ones, I would ask myself, “Bea, are you willing to let go of it?” When my answer is no, then for me, I am not yet ready to purchase it. This I did when I bought my keyboard. Playing a piano or an organ was my childhood dream. I even swore that if it would only on my old age that I could afford to buy a piano or an organ, I will still try to have and learn how to play it. I didn’t really expect it to be affordable this early in my life. After making sure I could let go of it, I bought my much awaited keyboard. As much as possible I want to buy appliances that I can use for God’s ministry. I believe all these things on earth are just lent to us by God and I don’t want to leave my heart on earth when I die. I want to store wealth in heaven.
True enough, after two years, a friend of mine broke my keyboard out of anger. He stamped his feet on it. He even bathed it with soda. Just imagine how it looked like. I felt sad and found myself asking “am I willing to let it go?” In my heart I felt peace with the thought that I did not take it for granted and taken so much care of it. And most of all, have used it for God’s glory for its entire life. We were using it in our weekly prayer meetings. I also used it on a morning daily mass in the Cathedral with a friend playing a flute. I lent it to a youth who, like me, was also eager to learn but have no keyboard.
Miraculously, after twelve years it is still working. I still used it in some seminars that we have. Guess I really had a nice investment on it.
To whom much is given, much is required or expected. I realized I have to really use the gifts God has given me. Having this computer comes responsibility. God knows my hearts desires and I believe it is why He has answered my prayer when I asked for it. But I became lazy. (It started when I was snatched of my cellphone.) I became uninterested in writing. Though I have a lot of reflections in my mind. Didn’t I dream of writing a book? A compilation of my reflections? My spiritual journey with my lover? I remember Tita Rose. She said she has compiled 80 reflections she got from the internet, mostly forwarded messages from me, and had bookbinded it. One of them was my personal reflections which I have shared with her. It was so nice of her. She shares it to her community members and found it useful for some of their teachings.
While my laptop was away, there was a time that the reading for the day was about the fig tree. While on their way somewhere, Jesus was hungry and found a fig tree. He put it to death after knowing that it has no fruit on it. I believe Jesus knew that it wasn’t it’s time to bear fruit. I thought maybe God took my laptop away because it didn’t bear fruit in my care. My laptop is not like the fig tree that bears fruit in season.
My keyboard has a lot to show me now. I am learning from it. It has gone through a lot of tough jobs. All for God's ministry. And to this day, it has survived. Because it was used and not kept. It has done great things for people that has used it. It has served it’s purpose. It has bore so much fruit.
God’s answers are wiser than our prayers. Yes, indeed. Now I have to start anew without any heartache. I have to start writing new reflections but now with more passion. I’m afraid I might not be able to recall the many reflections I have already written. Thanks to some which I sent to my cyberfriends. I have copies in my emails that I can keep back. As I was using my laptop, I noticed that this has become better than before. It has more enhanced programs that I can use for my small business. Now I think God took my laptop away for a while so it could bear more fruit when he would hand it back to me. I’d like to think that God let this happen now since it is still under warranty so I need not worry about the expenses.
The only permanent thing in the world is ‘CHANGE’. Hence, letting go is what God always teach me. That no matter how many times I might be letting go, I should trust Him that things will always be alright because He wills it.
(I wrote this last June 2007. Now I decided to post it here... and many others in the future.)
