“Ihaboy na lang na.” (Throw it away.)
I was taken a back. It was like an electricity run through my whole body. I trembled. I got scared. I panicked.
Our messenger told me that as he placed my original Guess watch on my table. The watch repair man said it’s unrepairable and advised him to just throw it away. No. I wasn’t feeling that way because of the thought of losing the watch. Somehow it has a sentimental value to me. A friend who works in Guam gave it to me. She just told me to replace it with a new battery to make it work. I was really grateful not for its being an expensive watch but I was touched by her thoughtfulness. The watch was one of her priced possession after working for years in Guam. She could not even let go of it even if it doesn’t work so well anymore. Anyhow, I felt her sincerity however flawless her gift was to me. I know no one would ever give me such a gift especially that kind.
But why the initial feeling?
Yes, it’s me being paranoid…. and again!
I saw myself in the watch. For several weeks I was feeling guilty. I have been into a bad habit that kept me going back to confession almost every other week. I would even think that the priest knows what I am about to confess just by looking at my face. I would sometimes pray it’s not yet my time to die ‘cause for sure I won’t even make it to purgatory.
For me that day was my judgment day. That it’s better for me to be replaced in this world. I wasn’t working good. I wasn't doing God's purpose for me anymore. I felt useless. Yes. Just like the watch. Unrepairable. I started to guess how would God do it. Maybe it will be like magic. Great! I wouldn’t feel the agony of death. Maybe I will transform into a carabao. I remember this was what my childhood friends would call me because I have no front teeth. It scared me to just think of hell. Oh my! I thought of all the hundreds ( I had hoped its million or even thousands) of souls that I prayed for in my life time. Maybe they miss me already and would ask God to just let me be with them. To thank me personally, of course.
Boy, it was such a horrible feeling to me. It’s like I haven’t really grown in the faith of God. I was still like in my grade school with my faith walk. Well, as usual, He came into my rescue. In the midst of my contemplation and accounting of my sins and grieving of all my weaknesses, I came across a video talk of a preacher one night. I was running the cursor of my computer along the video files that I downloaded from the internet. Haven’t really decided on what to watch, I just randomly clicked any of it. The topic I picked was about focus. I listened to it more than once so my unconscious self won’t forget it and thus, remind me every time.
I realized, all those times, I shifted focus. All I saw was my weaknesses,m flaws, my sins. It has grown so big already. I was harsh to myself. There are so much more good and best in me than my flaws but I loose sight of it. If I would only focus on loving myself, I would be able to outgrow my weaknesses and win over temptations, thus, avoiding sin.
God knew how sinful we are but still He loved me. Sometimes it is difficult for us to love and forgive ourselves especially when we realize we committed a grave sin. We forget about God’s love for us. He’s love that is far beyond our sins. He overcame it for us centuries ago. Long before we were born.
Ahh…! … when would I ever learn?...
That I have to take responsibility and not Guess and Watch what would happen to me .
Most of all, to never loose sight of God’s love and trust in His great mercy.
